Communicating with Women
Ron Edmondson’s website is full of helpful information –
food for thought – when it comes to communication. I refer to his website http://www.ronedmondson.com/2011/07/5-tips-when-communicating-with-women.html
for 5 Tips when Communicating with Women. I feel like understanding myself as a
women is just as important as understanding my husband. Ron (obviously) is not
a woman, but he is a follower of Christ, he does have a degree in counseling
and he does have a wife of his own, so I find his points pretty much on target –
at least with how I feel. The following points were made about communicating
with women…
1. there may be a deeper meaning
2. emotions are attached so the way you say it is
important
3. details are important if attached to someone they love
4. crying is a way to express and release emotions
5. they don’t always need you to fix things, listen as
they work through it
I’m sure I’m one of the worst women for feeling an emotion
and not knowing how to verbalize it. So, I say something close to it, hoping
Matt will understand what’s really wrong. I think the biggest reason I do this
is to gain his trust. If I tell him something small – not the entire issue –
and if he has sympathy towards the situation, then I can trust him with the
whole problem. I think a lot of women do this. It’s not that we don’t say what
we mean, but we are sensitive with our emotions, guarded and protective of our
feelings and/or being judged for them so it takes a little bit of time to draw
out the real issue(s).
I have a very hard time listening to just the “words”
without feeling emotion behind them. So, if you say something in a hateful tone
to me, I’m going to assume you’re mad at me. Matt used to do this a lot, say
something and not pay attention to the tone behind it (he is doing better now
that he has a pregnant wife’s emotions to think about). He doesn’t mean the way
he says things, it’s just him being a man, simple and to the point. But to me,
I take it personally and sometimes let it hurt my feelings. I know that I’m the
only one responsible for how somebody makes me feel and I’m trying to do a
better job of being less sensitive. As long as he continues to make an effort
in the way his words come out – we’ll continue to grow.
Because I am so detail oriented, I sometimes expect Matt
to be. I can’t really expect him to go into full detail of what he had for lunch
or remember where things are around the house, just because I can. Just as I
can’t expect Matt to be into the details, he has to understand that I am. With
the understanding that details are important to me, he can learn to respect
that part of me and we can balance each other out in our marriage.
Crying is such a release. Sometimes (especially these
days) I just need to cry. No, I don’t have a reason. No, I’m not mad at you.
No, I’m not hurt. Yes, I just need to cry. In the beginning, Matt didn’t
understand this at all. Now, he knows that I just cry. I know that when I cry, it makes Matt
uncomfortable. Just like when he gets angry and I get uncomfortable. I try to
remember his emotions and either take time for me or simply reassure him that
there’s nothing he can do – I just need to release the emotions. 
As a man, and a husband, Matt feels like he needs to fix
the problems that come up. A lot of the problems, he can fix. He can fix a
leaking sink or kill a spider or change the oil in my car but sometimes, there
are problems he can’t fix. When I come home and vent about my day - I don’t
want him to fix anything - I just want him to listen. I don’t want him to tell
me what I should or shouldn’t do or if I’m wrong or right, I just want him to
listen and be supportive while I let out my frustrations. Of course, when I want his opinion, I’ll ask. We
all need someone we can bounce ideas off of, and since Matt is my partner for
life, I expect him to be that person. I’m
an independent, strong woman and there are a lot of times, I want to fix things
on my own. It doesn’t mean I don’t rely on him, trust him or want him to help
me. It just means that there are times that I am expressing hurt to him and I
don’t want a fix, I just want him to listen.
I can say that women are complex, emotional creatures. I
am willing to admit that I am way more complicated to understand than Matt. I
don’t expect Matt to fully understand how to communicate with me (some days I
feel like I couldn’t even communicate with myself) but I do expect him to
continue to try. As long as he and I are both learning and growing in our communication
with each other, our lives will be happier (and healthier). I will always be
patient with Matt as he learns to communicate with me and I know he will be
patient with me as I learn his language.
I whole heartedly believe that communication is the key
to any successful relationship. Without it, a relationship is sure to fail. Men
and women will never fully understand each other, and that’s okay, but as long
as they are striving to communicate with each other, love, follow Christ and
appreciate each other for their differences, God is sure to bless.
Another side note – Ron has tips on marriage
communication. I plan on reading this… http://www.ronedmondson.com/2010/05/7-tips-for-healthy-marriage-communication.html.
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