Communicating with Men
I'm a talker - I think I was born that way - I always have been, always will be. I love to share my thoughts, feelings and ideas with other people and I'm as interested in learning about theirs. There really isn't a topic that I won't talk about, and I'm not shy about striking up a conversation with just about anybody.
My husband, however, is not a talker - he is a listener. He's a good listener. He remembers details of our conversations, he can recall things I told him when I can't even remember, he listens to the stories I tell of my childhood and my family and he respects my opinions and (most times) takes my advice. When he does talk, he's witty and smart and understanding - but he saves on the "small talk". I used to think my husband didn't talk because he didn't want to tell me things, but I've learned that he does share the important things and the other stuff is better left unsaid.
There are times that I feel like I talk too much (yes, there are those few times) and I wish that Matt would talk more. I love to hear about his day, how he's feelings, what he's thinking, etc... There are days when I feel like I'm playing 20 questions with him. Even though he answers the questions, there is - in my opinion - lack in detail. It's at these moments, I try to remember that men and women communicate very differently.
Ron Edmondson is a pastor at Immanuel Baptist Church in Lexington, Kentucky (http://www.ibc-lex.org/). When searching the Internet for "ways to communicate with men", I happened onto Ron's blog/website (http://www.ronedmondson.com/). Ron blogged on just what I was looking for - 5 Tips when Communicating with Men. The following 5 points were made about men...
1. they mean what they say - not what we (women) hear
2. they don't often like to give details
3. their range of emotions are limited
4. when women tend to cry - men may tend to get angry
5. they sometimes have a hard time communicating what's on their heart
(Visit http://www.ronedmondson.com/2011/07/5-tips-when-communicating-with-men.html to view the detailed version of "5 Tips when Communicating with Men")
The first one, I hear all the time. Guys mean what they say, period. Matt is very literal, and because he is so simple in what he says, I tend to look into it way more than I should. I need to take him at his word and let the little stuff go. If he says he's not hungry, he's not hungry - it doesn't mean he doesn't like my cooking. :-)
Details are important to me. I pay attention to details in cooking, in clothing, in accessories, in decorating and in stories. I know that Matt is not that interested in detail (like most men), and just because he doesn't go into full description of his day, or doesn't "care" that the ornaments on the Christmas tree are symmetrical, doesn't mean he's "hiding something" or doesn't care about me. He's just a man - simple minded.
Matt says "you worry too much" - and sometimes, I do. There are times when I can't understand how something that (to me) is going to bring the world to an end, doesn't even worry him. It's because (as Ron says) he is wired differently than me. Understanding that my emotions are way more complex than his should make me feel better about the fact that I over think issues and he never will. Pretty simple - right? I'll keep praying for understanding on this one...I cry so much more now that I'm pregnant. I used to cry when I was really upset, but now I cry just because I feel like it. Matt doesn't cry - but he does get mad. I used to get upset when he got angry because I felt like it was directed at me - even if it had nothing to do with me. I have learned that when he's talking to me about an issue and he gets mad - it's not (always) me he's angry at. After reading Ron's communication list, I'm realizing that Matt's anger is his way of "crying". It bothers me when he gets angry, because I feel like there's nothing I can do to "fix it". I'm sure he feels the same way when I cry. If we continue to be supportive of each other's emotions and realize how differently we react to situations, it will help us to grow in our communication with each other.
Matt has a very hard time verbally communicating what's on his heart, but I know he loves me. It isn't through words that he has to reassure me of his love, it's in his actions. As long as he can communicate what's on his heart through his actions, I'm not too concerned with the words.
I know I don't have communicating with Matt (or men in general) figured out, by any means. However, I do think that by starting with these 5 simple steps, it will help me to understand where he - as a man - is coming from. Even though we are wired completely different, God made us to be together - man and woman. It takes a lot of love, understanding, patience and dedication to communicate and as long as both partners are willing participants, the relationship will grow stronger. On a side note - Ron also has a blog on communicating with women (but I'll save that for another day)! http://www.ronedmondson.com/2011/07/5-tips-when-communicating-with-women.html
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