Days like today
Postpartum depression is a real thing. I can look back on the early days of Colton as a baby and see that I had a little bit of it. I didn't know in that moment that I had it, but looking back now, I know it. I love that the second time around, I can embrace these feelings and emotions and recognize them. I know, three months in with baby #2, that there are days when I'm suffering from just that, postpartum depression. Maybe part of it is just being a Mom, period...but I know there's a bit of those baby blues in there from time to time. I used to be afraid to even hint at those words, much less SAY them for fear that people would look at me and think that I was crazy. Now, I don't care what people think, I care about me and the outlets I need to be able to deal with my emotions. I can't keep them stored up or hidden. Plus, I figure that I can't be the only woman in the world who has had these feelings or will have these feelings in the future, so here's to us...may we be on this journey together.
Weekends like this past weekend, days like today, these are the hard days. Over the weekend, I battled the same issues but I had my life partner here to help me. Today, I'm solo. Yep, these are the hard days. These are the days when I want to be selfish, when my emotions are all over the map and I have a harder time keeping everything together.
Colton is sick AGAIN. He has been more sick in the past 6 months than he has his entire life. I really don't know why or what's going on and it's frustrating. Over the past 3 days, I have not gone more than 5 minutes without being coughed on or coughed at. It's not his fault, poor little guy. He's pitiful. He just wants me to hold him (and I just want him to stop coughing). He is grouchy and whiny and difficult and really, just sick and tired. It's so hard to balance the frustration I feel and the care/concern that I want to give him.
If that's not enough to deal with, I have a 3 month old who is teething (yep, I've been "blessed" with children who get their chompers early). I forgot how much fun it is to deal with an irritable/miserable/teething baby who can do nothing about it except cry. I just want her to stop screaming at me. Cough, scream, cough, scream...that is my day!!!
Days like today, I can hardly muster up enough energy or patience to hold either of them. When Ryleigh's screaming, and I have no desire to hold her, all I can do is lay her in her crib with my hand on her little belly and pray. I pray boldly that God will either comfort her or give me the strength to be able to get through the rest of the day without breaking down (considering it's only 11am). Does that make me a bad Mom? Heck, I don't know. What I do know is that it makes me a real Mom. An honest Mom. A Mom who isn't pretending that every day is roses and rainbows. A Mom who is being honest with herself and dealing with emotions the only way I know how, so that I can put on my big girl pants and handle it.
The truth? The truth is that I just wanted to go to my class at the YMCA this morning. I just wanted to get out of this house. I just wanted to eat my Jimmy Dean D-light sandwich in peace and quiet. I just wanted to put a bra on before noon. I just wanted...what I wanted. But, when I chose to become a Mom, I knew that it meant I would sometimes have to give up what I want to take care of my kiddos. Even on days like today!
God has gifted us Moms with an unbelievable love for our children. If it wasn't for that love, I would not be able to do what I do. I love my children fiercely. Love is amazing. On days like today, love is the ONLY thing that is holding me together. It's incredible to me, how strong love really is. Love is having a horrible day and wanting just 5 minutes of quiet/alone time but laying down with Colton for his nap because he asks me to. As I lay there, he smiles at me and says "I love you Mommy. I love you so big". Tears literally poor into my eyes. God knew I needed that moment, He knew I needed to see what love does!
Love is the greatest gift that God has given me. Even (especially) on days like today love doesn't fail me. Love will never fail.
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13
Weekends like this past weekend, days like today, these are the hard days. Over the weekend, I battled the same issues but I had my life partner here to help me. Today, I'm solo. Yep, these are the hard days. These are the days when I want to be selfish, when my emotions are all over the map and I have a harder time keeping everything together.
Colton is sick AGAIN. He has been more sick in the past 6 months than he has his entire life. I really don't know why or what's going on and it's frustrating. Over the past 3 days, I have not gone more than 5 minutes without being coughed on or coughed at. It's not his fault, poor little guy. He's pitiful. He just wants me to hold him (and I just want him to stop coughing). He is grouchy and whiny and difficult and really, just sick and tired. It's so hard to balance the frustration I feel and the care/concern that I want to give him.
If that's not enough to deal with, I have a 3 month old who is teething (yep, I've been "blessed" with children who get their chompers early). I forgot how much fun it is to deal with an irritable/miserable/teething baby who can do nothing about it except cry. I just want her to stop screaming at me. Cough, scream, cough, scream...that is my day!!!
Days like today, I can hardly muster up enough energy or patience to hold either of them. When Ryleigh's screaming, and I have no desire to hold her, all I can do is lay her in her crib with my hand on her little belly and pray. I pray boldly that God will either comfort her or give me the strength to be able to get through the rest of the day without breaking down (considering it's only 11am). Does that make me a bad Mom? Heck, I don't know. What I do know is that it makes me a real Mom. An honest Mom. A Mom who isn't pretending that every day is roses and rainbows. A Mom who is being honest with herself and dealing with emotions the only way I know how, so that I can put on my big girl pants and handle it.
The truth? The truth is that I just wanted to go to my class at the YMCA this morning. I just wanted to get out of this house. I just wanted to eat my Jimmy Dean D-light sandwich in peace and quiet. I just wanted to put a bra on before noon. I just wanted...what I wanted. But, when I chose to become a Mom, I knew that it meant I would sometimes have to give up what I want to take care of my kiddos. Even on days like today!
God has gifted us Moms with an unbelievable love for our children. If it wasn't for that love, I would not be able to do what I do. I love my children fiercely. Love is amazing. On days like today, love is the ONLY thing that is holding me together. It's incredible to me, how strong love really is. Love is having a horrible day and wanting just 5 minutes of quiet/alone time but laying down with Colton for his nap because he asks me to. As I lay there, he smiles at me and says "I love you Mommy. I love you so big". Tears literally poor into my eyes. God knew I needed that moment, He knew I needed to see what love does!
Love is the greatest gift that God has given me. Even (especially) on days like today love doesn't fail me. Love will never fail.
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13
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