Crummy Stuff
Monday was one of those days that Moms are not proud to talk about, and often times don't. It was one of those days when I felt like I could run away and not come back for a long, long time. As much as I love my child and would do anything to care for and protect him, Monday, I could've run away. Everything that has been building up over the past few weeks finally escalated.
Colton has been battling sickness for around a month. With that sickness, as all Moms know, comes grouchy, bratty, miserable, little turd buckets that you can't make happy no matter how hard you try! There have been days when he acted totally fine with the exception of a runny nose and other days he has been so lethargic. Over the past few days, I have known something just wasn't right.
On Saturday, Colton was getting worse instead of better. I was so frustrated. Colton was frustrated/sick/cranky and just miserable. Matt, bless his heart, has been wonderful while dealing with two crazy people in his house. Colton's temperature got up 102s on Saturday night. After cold cloths and Tylenol, it came down and he finally broke a sweat. Sunday morning, he seemed okay...still clammy and flushed. My Mom came over to watch him so Matt and I could go to church together. On Sunday afternoon, he was starting to drink less and less and by supper, he refused to eat altogether - not normal! On Sunday night, his fever returned, so on Monday morning, I called Dr. Woods and we were in the office by 10:30am.
I'm so glad that I made the decision to take him to the doctor. Thankfully it wasn't the flu, but a mild case of strep throat. Since Colton's immune system was weakened by the stomach virus he caught, Dr. Woods feels like maybe his system was just overloaded. She put him on a round of antibiotics and after the first dose, it started helping. He sweated through two shirts throughout the afternoon and by bed time, he was finally able to rest. I had no idea how much infection/sickness was in his little body.
On Monday, once I had given Colton his antibiotic, I was just praying for him to feel better. I had literally done everything I could think of and just hoping this medicine would make my little guy well again. I was so tired yesterday. I called my sister to vent. I told her how helpless I felt, I told her I was tired and frustrated. I told her that being a Mom is the hardest job I've ever had and that sometimes I feel like I'm completely failing. I told her that there have been moments over the past few weeks that I just want to be away from Colton for a while. I admitted that on Sunday, while sitting in the church parking lot, I looked at Matt and said "I don't want to go home yet". I told her there are times that I cry because I can't get him to stop crying. There are other times when I feel like I could shake the rails off of his crib and throw them out the window. I feel like if he doesn't start sleeping more than 4 hours at a time, I might, literally, lose my mind. I told her how much I love him and that's the only thing that keeps me together. After ranting on for several minutes, I apologized for sounding like a horrible mother. She stopped me and told me that it was okay for me to feel the way I do, I just have to deal with those feeling appropriately. She is so right! I, like other people, read blogs and comments from "perfect Moms" who have it all together. Moms who are making cookies, playing in the park and making crafts while doing it all with a clean house and makeup on. That's not me today. That might not be me this entire month, and that's okay! I am realizing that its okay to admit to the imperfect days and talk about the bad stuff. It's perfectly normal and okay to feel frustrated, used, tired, emotionally exhausted and helpless. It's not normal to keep those feeling hidden and let them consume me.
I have to admit that part of Monday's emotional "meltdown" was due, in part, to selfishness. The "Mommies Time Out" group was having an ornament exchange/Christmas party Monday night. Since I don't get to go out of the house very often, much less alone, I was really looking forward to going. But, I had a sick little boy, who only wanted Mommy. I wanted to be mad at him for not wanting his Daddy. Selfish. Then I realized that being his Mom is my job and making sure he feels safe and secure is priority over me going to a party.
I love Colton more than I could ever describe in words. I do my share of posting adorable pictures and videos. I love to share about our positive moments but that does not mean that life is all roses and rainbows. We have horrible moments too. Does admitting that make me a bad Mom? Absolutely not! I can't and won't live my life comparing how Matt and I raise Colton with how other parents raise their children. We live in a world where people compare, expect political correctness, want to tell you how to raise/teach/discipline your child and most of all, it's a world where people judge (consciously or not) and put pressure on others to show nothing less than a perfect life.
I mostly shared this blog entry because my sister didn't think I would and because there's not enough vulnerability out there. I feel like if I'm not honest with myself, I'll never be able to be honest with others. Opening up and sharing my crummy stuff makes me feel relieved. Maybe others reading my crummy stuff, my failures and struggles will make it a little easier for them to do the same.
Colton has been battling sickness for around a month. With that sickness, as all Moms know, comes grouchy, bratty, miserable, little turd buckets that you can't make happy no matter how hard you try! There have been days when he acted totally fine with the exception of a runny nose and other days he has been so lethargic. Over the past few days, I have known something just wasn't right.
On Saturday, Colton was getting worse instead of better. I was so frustrated. Colton was frustrated/sick/cranky and just miserable. Matt, bless his heart, has been wonderful while dealing with two crazy people in his house. Colton's temperature got up 102s on Saturday night. After cold cloths and Tylenol, it came down and he finally broke a sweat. Sunday morning, he seemed okay...still clammy and flushed. My Mom came over to watch him so Matt and I could go to church together. On Sunday afternoon, he was starting to drink less and less and by supper, he refused to eat altogether - not normal! On Sunday night, his fever returned, so on Monday morning, I called Dr. Woods and we were in the office by 10:30am.
I'm so glad that I made the decision to take him to the doctor. Thankfully it wasn't the flu, but a mild case of strep throat. Since Colton's immune system was weakened by the stomach virus he caught, Dr. Woods feels like maybe his system was just overloaded. She put him on a round of antibiotics and after the first dose, it started helping. He sweated through two shirts throughout the afternoon and by bed time, he was finally able to rest. I had no idea how much infection/sickness was in his little body.
On Monday, once I had given Colton his antibiotic, I was just praying for him to feel better. I had literally done everything I could think of and just hoping this medicine would make my little guy well again. I was so tired yesterday. I called my sister to vent. I told her how helpless I felt, I told her I was tired and frustrated. I told her that being a Mom is the hardest job I've ever had and that sometimes I feel like I'm completely failing. I told her that there have been moments over the past few weeks that I just want to be away from Colton for a while. I admitted that on Sunday, while sitting in the church parking lot, I looked at Matt and said "I don't want to go home yet". I told her there are times that I cry because I can't get him to stop crying. There are other times when I feel like I could shake the rails off of his crib and throw them out the window. I feel like if he doesn't start sleeping more than 4 hours at a time, I might, literally, lose my mind. I told her how much I love him and that's the only thing that keeps me together. After ranting on for several minutes, I apologized for sounding like a horrible mother. She stopped me and told me that it was okay for me to feel the way I do, I just have to deal with those feeling appropriately. She is so right! I, like other people, read blogs and comments from "perfect Moms" who have it all together. Moms who are making cookies, playing in the park and making crafts while doing it all with a clean house and makeup on. That's not me today. That might not be me this entire month, and that's okay! I am realizing that its okay to admit to the imperfect days and talk about the bad stuff. It's perfectly normal and okay to feel frustrated, used, tired, emotionally exhausted and helpless. It's not normal to keep those feeling hidden and let them consume me.
I have to admit that part of Monday's emotional "meltdown" was due, in part, to selfishness. The "Mommies Time Out" group was having an ornament exchange/Christmas party Monday night. Since I don't get to go out of the house very often, much less alone, I was really looking forward to going. But, I had a sick little boy, who only wanted Mommy. I wanted to be mad at him for not wanting his Daddy. Selfish. Then I realized that being his Mom is my job and making sure he feels safe and secure is priority over me going to a party.
I love Colton more than I could ever describe in words. I do my share of posting adorable pictures and videos. I love to share about our positive moments but that does not mean that life is all roses and rainbows. We have horrible moments too. Does admitting that make me a bad Mom? Absolutely not! I can't and won't live my life comparing how Matt and I raise Colton with how other parents raise their children. We live in a world where people compare, expect political correctness, want to tell you how to raise/teach/discipline your child and most of all, it's a world where people judge (consciously or not) and put pressure on others to show nothing less than a perfect life.
I mostly shared this blog entry because my sister didn't think I would and because there's not enough vulnerability out there. I feel like if I'm not honest with myself, I'll never be able to be honest with others. Opening up and sharing my crummy stuff makes me feel relieved. Maybe others reading my crummy stuff, my failures and struggles will make it a little easier for them to do the same.
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